One Year Closer


Me supporting Drew’s addiction

Message from Drew on September 17, 2006:

Hey baby,
I just wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful time with you this weekend. I wish we had more time, but what time we did have was quality. It does not bother me that there was not much to do because what I was doing was enjoying being with you. Thank you for also putting up with my football addiction. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to seeing your beautiful face again. I love you.

You are welcome, Drew.  I forgive your addiction, love you too, and dream about the day when I get to see your beautiful face again!

June 25th marks a year. The week prior to the anniversary of our accident, I went back and forth between feeling proud, heartbroken, hopeful, and depressed.  This is not the kind of anniversary that most would celebrate over a nice dinner; nor is it an occasion to buy a gift or send flowers, or even make a cake. I didn’t really know what to expect. Now that it’s here, I actually feel peace. Today I am one entire year closer to Drew than I was this time last year.  That exciting!  Today, I did what most young widows do on the anniversary of their husband’s passing.  I marched down to Leitz music, picked out a piano keyboard and demanded that the foot pedal be included with the purchase of the keyboard (in a Christian Dave Ramsey fashion).

It was a part of our plan.  After Clay brought Drew to the “expertise” level with the guitar, I would begin my piano lessons.  Drew and I were constructing a band.  Ruby would start with the tambourine, and work her way up to more complex instruments.  The other children would follow suit. This was all in an effort to combat the genetic flaw of tone-deafness, dominant in the Husfelt genes.  I understand Drew is busy with Kingdom work, but I have a feeling that enough “down time” has somehow been allotted for Drew to master the guitar.  Assuming that our talents and abilities are maximized in heaven, I would venture that his guitar skills are probably equivalent to Brad Paisley by now. So, it’s about time are start learning piano!

Other June 25th happenings:

Ruby and I had a lunch date with our buds, April and Madison.  Per usual, the salads (chicken and pasta) were delicious, but they pale in comparison to the company and conversation.  There’s something so sweet about being in the presence of someone else who understands (and appreciates) the temporary nature of this life and of our earthly tents—someone who knows the ugly taste of sorrow, but still rejoices and laughs hardily because better things are coming.

Tuesday night was also the night of our first meeting with a small group of young widows/widowers.  That’s a ministry I never thought I would partake in.  The purpose of our group is to learn what the Bible says about Heaven, and what our loved ones are doing and experiencing in Heaven.  Clearly, God is not letting this Drew-size hole in my life go in vain.  He is using it to His glory.  And that is what I know Drew is most proud of today…although he probably thinks the keyboard (foot pedal included) is pretty cool. 

Over the past year God has stretched me in a way I never would have imagined.  And the truth is, had God given me the option, I would have said, Thanks, but no thank you.  I’ll just keep Drew here with me.  My human side would take Drew back in a heartbeat in exchange for all I’ve learned and experienced on this road.  Regardless, I am at peace with the assurance of a reunion with Drew.  That gives me plenty to hope for during the day and to dream about at night. 


There have been a few bolts of lightning so bright and loud here lately, that I could’ve sworn Jesus was descending on a cloud.  Fair warning: Get Right or Get Left!…(right with God or left behind).

Disposable Faith

I had a wonderful anniversary.  It was made special by the surprise birth of my sister’s twin girls, Aubrey Grey and Emma Collins, who were not scheduled to arrive until June 19.  Welcome beautiful girls, and congratulations Steph and Brent!


The fact that AG and EC graced us with their presence on the day of mine and Drew’s wedding anniversary has great significance for a reason that I’ll explain in another post.  For now, I will just say that it was a special gift from God that had a lot to do with Drew and prayer.

I’ve hit a gloomy spell here in the last few days.  The heartache of simply missing Drew comes in unpredictable waves.  One thing that I have found always makes me feel better is to flip through pictures of Drew.  His sweet smile leaps from the photo paper (or computer screen), and by looking at him, it seems more obvious that he is alive, real and happy.  He just doesn’t seem so far away when I can focus on his dimples.

Going to digress:  God works in mysterious ways.  Luck would have it that I am currently enrolled in an online Technology for Teachers course, via FSU.  Snore, I know?  Who would guess that I would have so much fun with these web tools that I’m supposed to be implementing into the classroom?!  (For those of you who don’t know, I’m taking a sabbatical from teaching to stay at home.)  The first tool I learned about was Animoto.  Some of you are probably familiar with Animoto, but for those of you who are not, I would describe it as an automatic video creator.  Click “create”, select a song, add your pictures and Voila! you have a home video!  And it’s free…unless you want to make a video lasting longer than 30 seconds.  I have a lot of pictures.  It was a good investment.  Here’s one of my final products.  Happy Anniversary!

The video will relate. A fellow hopeful-griever was having a difficult day as well, and we were talking about how we hoped Jesus would come back ASAP.  The word hope triggered something I had forgotten that I knew: But the greatest is love.  “Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love.”

Do you know why love is the greatest?

It remains.  Love transcends this life.  We will never have reason or cause to stop loving or being loved. 

Faith and hope are tools that the Christian should use on his earthly journey.  They guide us and strengthen us; and sometimes even give us a reason to breathe when all seems lost.  But a day is coming when we can leave them at the door!  We won’t have a need for faith or hope.  Faith, the promise of things unseen, will no longer be a prerequisite to belief, for we will see with our own eyes!  And with all of God’s promises fulfilled, how could we hope for anything?  For what would we hope?  Therefore, faith and hope will cease to exist, but our God (who is Love) offers us an entire eternity of love.

I’m thankful to Debbie Bradford for sharing that nugget of truth in my 7th grade Sunday School Class.

*and thanks to SWAK and Chris Barr Photography for the amazing wedding photos!

Victorious Strut


This post is dedicated to JoAnna Lewis, who wore red shoes on her wedding day. JoAnna went home victoriously last December.

Suddenly at the very moment when I mourned [my wife] least, I remembered her best. Indeed it was something better than memory; an instantaneous, unanswerable impression…a sort of unobtrusive but massive sense that she is, just as much as ever, a fact to be taken into account.
–CS Lewis on grieving his departed wife

His wife is. Just as much as ever, she exists. CS Lewis didn’t feel this right after his wife passed away, but when he realized this truth, it changed everything.

I don’t grieve or mourn for Drew now in the way I did initially. Every memory of him that comes to mind no longer brings heartache. I love talking about him. However, I feel that I would somehow limit, or even suffocate, God’s wonderful creation known as Drew if I restricted my thoughts and conversation to the great character that he had or the wonderful legacy he left behind. So I continue to speak of him in present tense and think often about what his life is like now.

Thank God that there came a point where I stopped mourning Drew. When I embraced God’s promises, it allowed Him to turn my pain into praise. I was able to give up sorrow for a spirit of hope and joy—it was at this point that I felt Drew lives! And finally, there came the red shoes. Though not biblical, they turned out to be the cherry on top of my Victory Sundae.

I purchased a pair of red shoes on Black Friday. Nothing fancy. They are most likely a faux suede material. They’re adorned with a burst of sparkly rhinestones at the toes. (Imaginary Convo: Nice kicks, Dorothy. Thanks Dewz. Now take us home.)

Strangely enough, multiple women have approached Anna, my younger sister, and told her what a testimony I bear when I wear these red shoes. Who knew?! Apparently some interpret such footwear is a symbol of strength, power, and determination. I found this humorous at first; now, I can’t put them on without considering, “Do I want to testify today?” I’m encouraged by the thought of whispers; Here she comes stomping on Satan with her red shoes. It makes me smile.

But then I think, well, I should be donning the red shoes, and the spirit of an overcomer, daily. And so should you, if you are in Christ. Regardless of your current circumstance, we have all been declared victorious, so we should walk with that victorious strut. The war has been waged and the blood overcame anything that could defeat us. Satan, the toothless lion, wants me to believe that Drew’s mission and purpose is complete. All that remains is his good legacy, but it’s not.

In 2 Corinthians Paul says, “It is our goal to please God, whether here or there”— meaning whether on earth or in heaven. So I know that is what Drew is doing in heaven—pleasing God through serving, working, worshipping, and any other way God deems fit. Why would God have Drew doing less in the land of more?

Drew lives more brilliantly than before. Because Drew lives, I can live. And not just live to grieve (although there will always be a taste of it), but ultimately, live to celebrate that this world is not our home—that there is life after this to anticipate! So, I wear my red shoes.

If only I could click, click, click my heels and be home already. One day!

Drew, a Heavenly Drone?

Easter 2012: One of Drew's funny picture faces.  He is such a goober sometimes.

Easter 2012: One of Drew’s funny picture faces. He is such a goober sometimes.

This “confession” comes from the mind of an English Major who can’t help but notice verb tenses and from the heart of one who has not lost a loved one, but has said, “See you later…Gator.” (haha)

Drew is not was; he is.  If we, as Christians, believe that when your earthly body dies, you are alive and in His presence, why do we refer to those who have gone before us in the past tense, like they cease to exist?  “Drew loved you so much.”  “Drew was such a talented, young man.”  Can Drew not love anymore?  Does he no longer possess the talents God gave Him?  Do we assume that the God who created and gifted us so uniquely in order to better glorify His name; the God who loves us immensely beyond measure; the God who made a way for our salvation through His Son—Do we think that this God decided that once we are finally in His presence, we will be dead emotionally, intellectually, physically and/or spiritually?  We talk and sing about heavenly reunions.  What is the point of a reunion if we don’t remember each other or our lives together?  A reunion of drones with no emotional connection sounds like a blast.  My God is more inventive than that!

I’m passionate about the verb tense thing, but I don’t want it to come across as condescending.  I, myself, didn’t give the past tense references a second thought until about 10 months ago.  Now that Drew is in heaven; I have a tremendous appreciation for the fact that I don’t have to use was, were, and been to describe Drew’s characteristics or actions.  Instead, I’m free to use is, am, are, and being.

I know some people will think that I’m grasping at straws.  Poor girl, she won’t say the d- word (dead, died, death).  She can’t make herself say it.  Well, let her think whatever she must in order to stay sane.  Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.”  John 11:26

Some may think that I need to face reality.  Doesn’t she know Drew is dead and gone?  I saw him in the casket and I saw the casket lowered 6 feet into the ground.  He’s not coming back so we need to stop talking about him like he’s in the next room.  Oh, but be prepared; he is coming back!  And the dead in Christ will rise first… 1 Thes. 4:16-18

The first thing nagging at my mind and chewing at my heart after our accident was that Drew, though “in a better place,” had no recollection of me or any of his life on earth.  Heaven became this dark mystery that I was too scared to research.  Some of you reading this know exactly what I mean and are thinking, I’d rather go to heaven than hell, of course, but neither one seems too appealing. I better enjoy life as it is right now.  I see how ridiculous that thought is now!  The Father of Lies has us convinced that Heaven, where the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost dwell, the home of all the Bible greats, is a place undesirable!  And we question, How could God’s home be better than earth and all its pleasures?  I would love to share with you what I’ve learned about our eternal home and the One who is establishing it for us.  For now (in an attempt to stay somewhat on topic), it will suffice to say that, Yes, Satan wants you to be afraid!  He wants you to think that heaven is the “unknown”—the boring place where God’s creation partakes in relentless chanting and singing of hymns that are 1,000’s of years old.  I hope you dare to challenge these notions that the Deceiver calls truth.  Because our God is so much more exhilarating than worship on autopilot!

Back to the main topic:  Ruby will never hear me refer to Drew’s love for her in the past tense.  Daddy loved you.  No, Daddy loves you!  The Drew God made and loves is still in existence!  For I am sure that neither death nor life…will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:38-39

My purpose is not to persuade you to start talking differently about your loved ones who are in heaven.  Although I hope this makes you consider it.  I wrote this so that you will understand why I (and Drew’s families) still talk about him in the present tense.  It’s because he still exists!

If I had no choice but to refer to Drew in the past tense; if I only had happy memories and Ruby to cling to, then, yes, I too would ponder such questions like, How does she go on with life and continue to smile?  But if you truly know my God and His promises, you understand.  My prayer is that you seek Him, and you do get to know Him.  No, this life is not sunshine and daisies, but Eternity promises to be so MUCH more!

And so, Jesus, come quickly!

My Favorite Favorite

I used to play this game with Drew.  Well, I call it a game.  He would call it a nnoying.

He’d be lounging on his sofa (like the picture from the previous post), and I’d be perched on my couch.  His phone would beep, alerting him of a text.  Drew, unfortunate for him, had this habit of emptying his pockets at the table right by the front door.  So that’s where his phone lied.  So when he heard his phone beep, he’d sigh, take the pillow out from between his knees, toss it on the floor and roll off the sofa to get his phone.  He’d open it and it would be a message from me.  “Love you Dewz!” or a “mwah.”  He’d get so mad, but I thought it was hilarious.  If Drew was prone to violence, this would result in bruising.  He would just snap his LG Octane closed, glare at me from the corner of his eye and throw his big, lovable head back, Why, Al???

You would think he would catch on.  He kind of did.  I’m a really good short-term liar though, meaning I could maintain a poker face for a minute, and when he’d ask if I texted him, I’d say, “no,” with my hands up to prove I wasn’t holding my phone.  Even if he was 99% sure it was me who had texted him, the 1% chance that it could be something or someone important nagged at him—what if it’s Marc texting about grass cutting or Jamey about basketball?

Occasionally he would remember to grab his phone before getting situated on his TV-watching couch.  Even when he had his phone right by him and I had the ability to reach across the gulf of the two sofas and touch him, I would send him a text…usually to tell him I loved him or that he was sexy.  He would typically respond, “Thanks, Al.  You too.”  If it was something he found ridiculous he wouldn’t say a word.  He’d place his phone back and on the carpet and shake his head.  (Sidenote: The back of Ruby’s head looks just like the back of Drew’s head (but much smaller).  It’s beautiful.  It comes to a soft point with a spiral of hair sticking up. End Sidenote.)

One time I sent him this picture via text:

And he responded with this:


I’m so glad I saved it.  How can you not love those kissing lips?

I went a few Sundays ago and got my “free” upgrade from Verizon, and in true Drew form I denied the Smart Phone once again.  I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before our technology driven world forces me to give in, but not today!  I am the proud owner of a new Samsung Brightside.  One of the first things I did was set up my favorites.  Drew is in the number 6 spot just as he has been for the past 6+ years.  I remember him being offended when he found out he was that far down on the totem pole of speed dials.  I tried to explain that I had cell phones before we dated and I just added him at the next available spot.  Mom has always been 2, Dad 3, etc.  It was easier not to switch them around.

There’s a deep and desperate pain knowing I won’t see my favorite contact pop up on my phone again.  I know heaven is everything that is good, true, and pure, but I hope there is some way to slightly annoy Drew when I get there.  It’s one of my many love languages.

Cannon Ball!!!

My Dewzy snuggled up on the sofa.

My Dewzy snuggled up on the sofa.

I feel as though I’ve lived two lives.  It was only 8 months ago, but at the same time it feels like a completely separate lifetime.  Drew was in this living room and we were probably talking (and eating) during commercials—our typical weeknight routine.

When I look through pictures of us, it’s like catching still shots of a movie—a sweet, romantic comedy, starring Drew MacLean and someone who resembles me—a more youthful, happier, and less puffy version of me.   Well, now there’s this new me in pictures.  And even though I’m with the most beautiful baby (not bias at all), my eyes are tired and my smile is labored.  I struggle connecting the two me’s and the two lives.  Mine and Drew’s lives were one, like God intends.  Our personalities, humor, and dreams were so intertwined that, without Drew’s presence here, it’s impossible for me to be the person I was.  So, of course, there are changes as a result of transitioning from me with Drew, to me without Drew.

The changes in my life are not noticeable to most people.  One anticipates life to be altered in such tragic circumstances, but you never know how until you live it.  A few ways that my new life is different from my old life:  I barely talk with some whom I used to consider my closest friends; and oddly, I’m closest now with people that I never expected to be that close with.  I find amazing comfort with the brokenhearted people of this world—those whose plans, like mine, didn’t pan out.  I find joy in funerals and in discussing my own funeral and how I want to ‘go out’.  I find peace in the fact that this home Drew and I made in Lynn Haven is temporary.  I find hope in that what I am living through right now is the dream, as real as it feels sometimes, and soon I will awaken to REALITY.

So, strangely, the thoughts that were the most unsettling to me– dying, the unknown heaven, Jesus’ return– I now eagerly await!  God has used Drew’s transition from this life to the next as my cure to these fears.  I know there are hundreds of scriptures throughout the Bible saying we have nothing to fear.  That nothing formed against a child of God can stand, and that He is with us and will never leave us nor forsake us; but, what an extra assurance to have the one you cherish the most in Jesus’ presence!  And not to take away from God’s breathed word, what He says is truth and it should have been enough to instill peace.  But, regarding those promises, I used to pray, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief,” but now I can pray, “Jesus, I believe!  I’m ready to see it!  Make my faith my sight.”

Drew has dived in, and I feel like the water is more than safe now.  It’s welcoming.  And Drew was only able to go before me because Jesus went before Him and silenced all of our accusers.  I feel myself drifting from scripture to song.  I love writing because you don’t know where you’re headed until you get there.  So, I’ll just give you the original lyrics from the Chris Tomlin song.  “I Will Rise” is one of the songs I chose to have sung at Drew’s funeral.  After our accident, I would hear it and think of Drew as the “I”, but now, through the work that God is doing in me, I sing it and make myself the “I”:

There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say “It is well”

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles’ wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There’s a day that’s drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Drew’s faith is his sight.  What a wonderful view he must have!  I look forward to the day I can soak it all in with him.

I Have A Dream

One of our many pumpkin carvings.  Drew is a great scooper.

One of our many pumpkin carvings. Drew is a great scooper.

I used to love looking ahead at the months, holidays, days off, etc.  I wrote every tiny event on my calendar.  I think it gave me a sense of accomplishment.  I would say that most people have plans for their lives.  And they might be similar to my plan: graduate college (check); get married between ages a – b (check); have a stable teaching job (check); have baby one at age x, baby 2 at age y, baby 3 at z, and then adopt a child or two; retire asap; rock on the front porch until the kids put me in a nursing home; fly away to heaven at a ripe old age in my sleep.  That was it.  I know; nothing grand, but it was exactly what I wanted to do.  Life didn’t go as planned.  Now, when I hear someone discuss their plan I have the urge to start a lawn mower, turn up the radio, or fly a jet overhead.  Why should your life go as planned when my life didn’t?  When your plans are trashed, the last thing you want to hear is someone else’s plan that consists of what you wanted.

It has been a difficult week for me.  It’s really sinking in that the ‘best days’ of my life are behind me.  Some people refer to high school as the best days of your life; others will say college, or when they first left the nest were the best days of their lives.  Thank goodness those weren’t true for me.  I was living in the best days of my life, from my first date with Drew right up to June 25, 2012.  I don’t expect to ever be as happy as I was with Drew, here on earth.  I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to spend that time with him—to know true love, to give and receive it.  I know not everyone has that chance.  However, compared to those bright, sunshiny days, the future looks dim.  I can’t look forward to milestones like most moms.  Every event that I would’ve been excited about with Ruby will be a bittersweet one because her Daddy won’t be there.  Yes, there will be joy, but there won’t be that glow of happiness that usually accompanies young motherhood.  And ultimately, it breaks my heart that Ruby won’t know the me that I was when I was with Drew, until we’re all together again.

God’s plan is not my plan.  However, He does promise that all things work together for good for those who love Him.  I don’t expect to see it all worked for good until I’m on the other side, but it does provide a peace knowing that’s the direction God is taking things.

So, needless to say, I no longer have a plan.  I don’t know what God’s going to do with my life.  Rather than having a plan, I, like the famous Martin Luther King, Jr., have a dream.  I call it a dream instead of a plan because I have no idea when or where it will happen; it’s just what I look forward to.  My dream consists of blinding lights, deafening trumpets, and Jesus thundering through the clouds with open arms.  And behind Him are the Saints (Christians) who have gone before us.  When I see my Savior in all of His splendor, I will also see Drew.  Isn’t it cool how God planned that?  And then I will be lifted up (weightless for the first time!) and join the heavenly armies.

1 Thessalonians 4:15-18 According to the Lord’s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Free Writing

Drew and I could barely see the game through the clouds floating by.

Drew and I could barely see the game through the clouds floating by. Fall 2011

It’s virtually impossible for me to take naps during the day, and it’s not because Ruby won’t nap.  She does more than her fair share of sleeping during the day.  When I feel like a nap, I coach myself before lying down.  Think happy thoughts…thoughts about what Drew’s doing in heaven; who he’s talking with; what tasks he’s been assigned; what our reunion will be like when it’s my time to go home; and all of the wonderful things associated with  heaven.  My thoughts always begin there, but won’t stay there.  My mind wants to go back to my darkest hour– to the moments in the truck, during and after our accident, the longest ambulance ride, and to Tallahassee Memorial Hospital.  My brain replays every image until I’m forced to give up the idea of a nap, and I crawl out of bed, or roll off the sofa.

The thoughts started coming one night, and I felt like doing something about it.  Being the Language Arts teacher that I am, I decided to free write.  Free writing is when you just write what you’re thinking or feeling without concern for spelling, punctuation, or grammar correctness.  The idea is to take out the hesitation that causes writer’s block.  My students usually like free writing because it’s impossible to mess up (an easy ‘A’).  Below is my free writing/free form poetry/whatever you want to call it.  I wrote it as an ‘oh yeah?’ to the evil one.  Some lines, especially in the first part, might not make sense to anyone but me.  They don’t have to.  I’ve lived each line and know very well what each word means.  I found this exercise freeing.  I encourage you to try it sometime.  Caveat: the first part is dark and depressing.  That’s when Satan is under the impression that he’s won; but, no fear, Our Jesus has overcome, and you’ll see that if you keep reading.

Hell is my world out of control

in slow motion,

It smells like smoke, gasoline, and rain.

It feels like sticky blood tangled in hair.

Hell is my baby immobile, wedged

Between angels and demons,

bloody breaths.

Hell is a strong, calloused hand reaching for unseen glass,

It’s leaving.  an unanswered “I love you”, a stroke of the arm,

Hell is a pair of eyes unable to open,

a solitary, endless ride tied to a wooden plank.

Prayers unanswered.

Hell is hopeless separation


Where dreams are stolen and love buried.

Heaven is reunion.

Heaven is a treasured laugh and smile,

a long awaited dance.

It is everything new, flawless, perfected.

Heaven is a child climbing with no fear;

exploration without caution.

Heaven is Lion and Lamb at peace.

It is a gift from our father; the end of all evil.

A beginning to eternity.

An endless hand-held stroll, an effortless song.

Heaven is Drew and Ruby together, with me.

Heaven is home. Love. Tangible.

Heaven is hope answered, dreams realized.

Bodies restored, lives shared.

Undeserved but longed for.

Unimaginable but real.

Heaven is a reason to live and the hope of dying.

The Realization

A kiss on top of the Tour de Eiffel (Eiffel Tower, for you non-French speakers).

A kiss on top of the Tour de Eiffel (Eiffel Tower, for you non-French speakers).

I called the dermatologists’ office in the Spring and scheduled an appointment for a full skin evaluation to take place in July.  Pregnancy had done strange things to some of my moles, so I wanted to get them checked out.  I wasn’t dreading it like I thought I would.  The thought of someone closely examining my naked body was more bearable because, after all, I was with child, I was supposed to be fat.  I knew that if I didn’t have this done during pregnancy, I would probably never get around to it.  I was proud when I told Drew about my scheduling the appointment.  Drew’s response was most likely, “Good for you, Al.”

The appointment was about two weeks after Drew’s funeral.  I thought about cancelling it, but, again, I knew if I didn’t go through with this now, I would never reschedule.  My mom was sitting with me in the large waiting room.  I was working my way down the patient form when it came out of nowhere.  Two simple words that I used to happily breeze through:  marital status.  I wasn’t prepared for it. You don’t think about it, like you don’t have to think about your name and address.  This time I had to read the options.  The very last one was widow.  Maybe because it’s the most rare and least thought of, or maybe because it starts with a ‘w’.  I’m so thankful that my mom was there to cry with me.  The rest of the form was just a giant blur on a clipboard.

Out of all the titles I’d hoped to have one day (wife, mom, teacher, aunt, grandma), widow was never one of them.  I still feel and, in my mind, am very married.  However, ‘widow’ is what society classifies me as.  At least it allows me a check from Social Security.

“Confessions of a Widow”  I know, it doesn’t sound like something I would write, but being widowed wasn’t something that sounded like me either.  Thanks to Amy McDowell for the title inspiration and to April Holley Riley for the technical work and persistent push for me to join the blog world.  This blog is for me.  It gives me the voice I wish I had when someone stops me at Publix and asks, “How are you doing?”  Rather than lying and saying ‘fine’, or making them feel awkward by saying ‘terrible’, I can say, “Check out my blog.”  This also allows me to talk about Drew as much as I want to without worrying about boring someone.  (If you get bored here, hit the back button or exit, and I’ll never know.)  And finally, this allows me to keep family and friends up to date on the comings and goings of me and Ruby.   I say this blog is for me, but I pray that somehow it ultimately brings glory to God and opens people’s eyes to the heaven He has waiting for us.