I feel as though I’ve lived two lives. It was only 8 months ago, but at the same time it feels like a completely separate lifetime. Drew was in this living room and we were probably talking (and eating) during commercials—our typical weeknight routine.
When I look through pictures of us, it’s like catching still shots of a movie—a sweet, romantic comedy, starring Drew MacLean and someone who resembles me—a more youthful, happier, and less puffy version of me. Well, now there’s this new me in pictures. And even though I’m with the most beautiful baby (not bias at all), my eyes are tired and my smile is labored. I struggle connecting the two me’s and the two lives. Mine and Drew’s lives were one, like God intends. Our personalities, humor, and dreams were so intertwined that, without Drew’s presence here, it’s impossible for me to be the person I was. So, of course, there are changes as a result of transitioning from me with Drew, to me without Drew.
The changes in my life are not noticeable to most people. One anticipates life to be altered in such tragic circumstances, but you never know how until you live it. A few ways that my new life is different from my old life: I barely talk with some whom I used to consider my closest friends; and oddly, I’m closest now with people that I never expected to be that close with. I find amazing comfort with the brokenhearted people of this world—those whose plans, like mine, didn’t pan out. I find joy in funerals and in discussing my own funeral and how I want to ‘go out’. I find peace in the fact that this home Drew and I made in Lynn Haven is temporary. I find hope in that what I am living through right now is the dream, as real as it feels sometimes, and soon I will awaken to REALITY.
So, strangely, the thoughts that were the most unsettling to me– dying, the unknown heaven, Jesus’ return– I now eagerly await! God has used Drew’s transition from this life to the next as my cure to these fears. I know there are hundreds of scriptures throughout the Bible saying we have nothing to fear. That nothing formed against a child of God can stand, and that He is with us and will never leave us nor forsake us; but, what an extra assurance to have the one you cherish the most in Jesus’ presence! And not to take away from God’s breathed word, what He says is truth and it should have been enough to instill peace. But, regarding those promises, I used to pray, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief,” but now I can pray, “Jesus, I believe! I’m ready to see it! Make my faith my sight.”
Drew has dived in, and I feel like the water is more than safe now. It’s welcoming. And Drew was only able to go before me because Jesus went before Him and silenced all of our accusers. I feel myself drifting from scripture to song. I love writing because you don’t know where you’re headed until you get there. So, I’ll just give you the original lyrics from the Chris Tomlin song. “I Will Rise” is one of the songs I chose to have sung at Drew’s funeral. After our accident, I would hear it and think of Drew as the “I”, but now, through the work that God is doing in me, I sing it and make myself the “I”:
There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say “It is well”
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles’ wings
Before my God fall on my knees
I will rise
There’s a day that’s drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Drew’s faith is his sight. What a wonderful view he must have! I look forward to the day I can soak it all in with him.