I used to play this game with Drew.  Well, I call it a game.  He would call it a nnoying.

He’d be lounging on his sofa (like the picture from the previous post), and I’d be perched on my couch.  His phone would beep, alerting him of a text.  Drew, unfortunate for him, had this habit of emptying his pockets at the table right by the front door.  So that’s where his phone lied.  So when he heard his phone beep, he’d sigh, take the pillow out from between his knees, toss it on the floor and roll off the sofa to get his phone.  He’d open it and it would be a message from me.  “Love you Dewz!” or a “mwah.”  He’d get so mad, but I thought it was hilarious.  If Drew was prone to violence, this would result in bruising.  He would just snap his LG Octane closed, glare at me from the corner of his eye and throw his big, lovable head back, Why, Al???

You would think he would catch on.  He kind of did.  I’m a really good short-term liar though, meaning I could maintain a poker face for a minute, and when he’d ask if I texted him, I’d say, “no,” with my hands up to prove I wasn’t holding my phone.  Even if he was 99% sure it was me who had texted him, the 1% chance that it could be something or someone important nagged at him—what if it’s Marc texting about grass cutting or Jamey about basketball?

Occasionally he would remember to grab his phone before getting situated on his TV-watching couch.  Even when he had his phone right by him and I had the ability to reach across the gulf of the two sofas and touch him, I would send him a text…usually to tell him I loved him or that he was sexy.  He would typically respond, “Thanks, Al.  You too.”  If it was something he found ridiculous he wouldn’t say a word.  He’d place his phone back and on the carpet and shake his head.  (Sidenote: The back of Ruby’s head looks just like the back of Drew’s head (but much smaller).  It’s beautiful.  It comes to a soft point with a spiral of hair sticking up. End Sidenote.)

One time I sent him this picture via text:

And he responded with this:

I’m so glad I saved it.  How can you not love those kissing lips?

I went a few Sundays ago and got my “free” upgrade from Verizon, and in true Drew form I denied the Smart Phone once again.  I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before our technology driven world forces me to give in, but not today!  I am the proud owner of a new Samsung Brightside.  One of the first things I did was set up my favorites.  Drew is in the number 6 spot just as he has been for the past 6+ years.  I remember him being offended when he found out he was that far down on the totem pole of speed dials.  I tried to explain that I had cell phones before we dated and I just added him at the next available spot.  Mom has always been 2, Dad 3, etc.  It was easier not to switch them around.

There’s a deep and desperate pain knowing I won’t see my favorite contact pop up on my phone again.  I know heaven is everything that is good, true, and pure, but I hope there is some way to slightly annoy Drew when I get there.  It’s one of my many love languages.

My Dewzy snuggled up on the sofa.

I feel as though I’ve lived two lives.  It was only 8 months ago, but at the same time it feels like a completely separate lifetime.  Drew was in this living room and we were probably talking (and eating) during commercials—our typical weeknight routine.

When I look through pictures of us, it’s like catching still shots of a movie—a sweet, romantic comedy, starring Drew MacLean and someone who resembles me—a more youthful, happier, and less puffy version of me.   Well, now there’s this new me in pictures.  And even though I’m with the most beautiful baby (not bias at all), my eyes are tired and my smile is labored.  I struggle connecting the two me’s and the two lives.  Mine and Drew’s lives were one, like God intends.  Our personalities, humor, and dreams were so intertwined that, without Drew’s presence here, it’s impossible for me to be the person I was.  So, of course, there are changes as a result of transitioning from me with Drew, to me without Drew.

The changes in my life are not noticeable to most people.  One anticipates life to be altered in such tragic circumstances, but you never know how until you live it.  A few ways that my new life is different from my old life:  I barely talk with some whom I used to consider my closest friends; and oddly, I’m closest now with people that I never expected to be that close with.  I find amazing comfort with the brokenhearted people of this world—those whose plans, like mine, didn’t pan out.  I find joy in funerals and in discussing my own funeral and how I want to ‘go out’.  I find peace in the fact that this home Drew and I made in Lynn Haven is temporary.  I find hope in that what I am living through right now is the dream, as real as it feels sometimes, and soon I will awaken to REALITY.

So, strangely, the thoughts that were the most unsettling to me– dying, the unknown heaven, Jesus’ return– I now eagerly await!  God has used Drew’s transition from this life to the next as my cure to these fears.  I know there are hundreds of scriptures throughout the Bible saying we have nothing to fear.  That nothing formed against a child of God can stand, and that He is with us and will never leave us nor forsake us; but, what an extra assurance to have the one you cherish the most in Jesus’ presence!  And not to take away from God’s breathed word, what He says is truth and it should have been enough to instill peace.  But, regarding those promises, I used to pray, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief,” but now I can pray, “Jesus, I believe!  I’m ready to see it!  Make my faith my sight.”

Drew has dived in, and I feel like the water is more than safe now.  It’s welcoming.  And Drew was only able to go before me because Jesus went before Him and silenced all of our accusers.  I feel myself drifting from scripture to song.  I love writing because you don’t know where you’re headed until you get there.  So, I’ll just give you the original lyrics from the Chris Tomlin song.  “I Will Rise” is one of the songs I chose to have sung at Drew’s funeral.  After our accident, I would hear it and think of Drew as the “I”, but now, through the work that God is doing in me, I sing it and make myself the “I”:

There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say “It is well”

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles’ wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There’s a day that’s drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Drew’s faith is his sight.  What a wonderful view he must have!  I look forward to the day I can soak it all in with him.