The Realization

A kiss on top of the Tour de Eiffel (Eiffel Tower, for you non-French speakers).

A kiss on top of the Tour de Eiffel (Eiffel Tower, for you non-French speakers).

I called the dermatologists’ office in the Spring and scheduled an appointment for a full skin evaluation to take place in July.  Pregnancy had done strange things to some of my moles, so I wanted to get them checked out.  I wasn’t dreading it like I thought I would.  The thought of someone closely examining my naked body was more bearable because, after all, I was with child, I was supposed to be fat.  I knew that if I didn’t have this done during pregnancy, I would probably never get around to it.  I was proud when I told Drew about my scheduling the appointment.  Drew’s response was most likely, “Good for you, Al.”

The appointment was about two weeks after Drew’s funeral.  I thought about cancelling it, but, again, I knew if I didn’t go through with this now, I would never reschedule.  My mom was sitting with me in the large waiting room.  I was working my way down the patient form when it came out of nowhere.  Two simple words that I used to happily breeze through:  marital status.  I wasn’t prepared for it. You don’t think about it, like you don’t have to think about your name and address.  This time I had to read the options.  The very last one was widow.  Maybe because it’s the most rare and least thought of, or maybe because it starts with a ‘w’.  I’m so thankful that my mom was there to cry with me.  The rest of the form was just a giant blur on a clipboard.

Out of all the titles I’d hoped to have one day (wife, mom, teacher, aunt, grandma), widow was never one of them.  I still feel and, in my mind, am very married.  However, ‘widow’ is what society classifies me as.  At least it allows me a check from Social Security.

“Confessions of a Widow”  I know, it doesn’t sound like something I would write, but being widowed wasn’t something that sounded like me either.  Thanks to Amy McDowell for the title inspiration and to April Holley Riley for the technical work and persistent push for me to join the blog world.  This blog is for me.  It gives me the voice I wish I had when someone stops me at Publix and asks, “How are you doing?”  Rather than lying and saying ‘fine’, or making them feel awkward by saying ‘terrible’, I can say, “Check out my blog.”  This also allows me to talk about Drew as much as I want to without worrying about boring someone.  (If you get bored here, hit the back button or exit, and I’ll never know.)  And finally, this allows me to keep family and friends up to date on the comings and goings of me and Ruby.   I say this blog is for me, but I pray that somehow it ultimately brings glory to God and opens people’s eyes to the heaven He has waiting for us.

25 thoughts on “The Realization

  1. Allison you have such a way with words. I think this blog is a great idea – it may be therapeudic for you but I know for a fact it is for me. Love you lots! MeMe

  2. Allison, I just read your first blog post after receiving Marcia’s email that it was up and running. Good for you! You have a knack for writing and this blog will be a wonderful way for you to put your thoughts in written form and for me and others to stay in touch with you and Ruby. I love you and continue to pray for you and Ruby.

    Aunt Marlene

  3. So glad you started your blog! I, like others, enjoy reading your words and know they will be helpful to all of us as we learn more about how God uses all things for His glory.

    Amy

  4. Get it Al! Welcome to the wide world of blogging! It is therapeutic and a little addicting (probably cause I’m a nerd). You have a unique and anointed voice, I’m glad you’re using it. Peace and grace….

  5. Hey Alli,
    I love your new adventure and your willingness to allow us to be a part. I wish I had had the chance to hang around with Drew more and so I look forward to you talking about him so I can feel like I still have the chance to know him better.
    Love you:)

  6. Oh Allison! This is awesome! You, Ruby, and Drew are in our daily thoughts and prayers. . . What a sweet way to stay connected . . . Love you!

  7. Beautiful Allison I hope that this brings a little peace to you. A therapy that you have control over. God is Good and He will keep you and Ruby. Can’t wait to read more! 🙂

  8. As always I very much enjoyed your words, you have a way of putting your thoughts together for us to read and get a sence of your new world you never expected to be a part of, I am sure you will reach a lot of people.. What a great way to talk about what is waiting for all of us.. That glorious day. And of course share you, drew and precious ruby with us..love ya’ll

  9. Love this! Thank you for doing it. That day is forever etched in my mind as we were I’m Oklahoma on vacation – at incredible pizza – having such fun – taking pictures – when the call came – I got it first – didn’t have the courage to tell Stuart – he was having so much fun. I have a picture of him moment before he found out. So – needless to day / we will never forget where we were & what we were doing. I’m thankful for that as it keeps you always in our hearts & prayers. Love you / girl!

  10. Hi Alison! I’m a friend of MeMe’s and I truely enjoy reading your words. You’re an amazing lady! Looking forward to reading more of your blogs.

  11. Al,
    I am so glad you are doing to do this. It will mean as much to all of us as it does to you. I never get tired of hearing about the three of you. We love you!
    Jen

  12. Ok I am trying to write with tears in my eyes on an iPhone:/ it’s hard:) Alison I love that you are writing and letting everyone that loves you and even people that don’t know you in on your thoughts. This is going to help out a lot of people! You know you and your family is such a blessing to us. I love ya and still pray for you! Now, come get some Mexican food with your sis and I!

  13. Scott has told us many times how strong you are. Your strength, faith, , and love of God shows in your writing. Such wise words. Love to you & Ruby!!!

  14. Allison, I can’t express how much I love you and Ruby Lynn and still love Drew – such a special person and we all loved him dearly. He will always be near our hearts. Our prayers are with you daily.

  15. Dear Allison, Thank you so very much for sharing some of your inner most thoughts with us. You and Drew continue to minister to my family in so many ways. You are still his helpmate. We love you guys and so thankful for your friendship.
    Ms Toni

    • I like to look at it that way. Thank you for initiating my true understanding of heaven. I’m looking forward to seeing you and your family soon! We’ll be in your area the first weekend of May.

  16. This is so real Allison and I am thankful that you feel the freedom to share your heart. Healing will come to you and to many others because of your openness and the HOPE that you have in Christ. God bless you and Miss Ruby every day!

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